I hope that when I die, people say about me, 'Boy, that guy sure owed me a lot of money.' - Jack Handey
If you're in a war, instead of throwing a hand grenade at the enemy, throw one of those small pumpkins. Maybe it'll make everyone think how stupid war is, and while they are thinking, you can throw a real grenade at them. - Jack Handey
I can picture in my mind a world without war, a world without hate. And I can picture us attacking that world, because they'd never expect it. - Jack Handey
To me, boxing is like a ballet, except there's no music, no choreography, and the dancers hit each other. - Jack Handey
I hope life isn't a big joke, because I don't get it. - Jack Handey
It takes a big man to cry. It takes an even bigger man to laugh at that man and an ever bigger man to ask why he is laughing. - Jack Handey